I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
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Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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