Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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