I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
