Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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