Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
