That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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