umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
