I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
