Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
