I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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