I showed him my bush... on skype.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
