Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
