I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
