So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
