...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
