i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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