went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize