Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
