Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
