Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
