The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
