Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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