He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
