i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
