I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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