evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if only i could text you this smell
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
