it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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