you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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