Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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