I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
