I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
