went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
