Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
