His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
