He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
