took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
