I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
