new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
