You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just found puke in my bra..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
