jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
