You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
