How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have already put on my inside pants.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
