I'm jealous of your bromance
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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