my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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