Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You may now shotgun with the bride
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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