i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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