if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
