there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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