I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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