I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
