seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
