just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
