meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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