Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
