At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
