Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
