spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
