all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
MIDGETS
????
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
