My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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