Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I am one with the molecules
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He has the fingertips of a God
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
