Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
