We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Rumble strips road head = magical
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
